Por Vladimir Cunha e Doda Vilhena adaptado por mim
1 - Aprenda a jogar futebol
Sábado à noite. Sua namorada está doida para sair, nem que seja para comer uma pizza ou assistir ao filme do Cazuza. Largue-a na sala vendo o Zé Bonitinho na Praça É Nossa e vá jogar bola com os amigos.Chegue suado em casa, não dê nem boa-noite e vá direto para a cozinha tomar água na boca da garrafa. Depois mude de canal sem pedir e fique vendo Cine Privê na maior cara dura.
2 - Seja um adepto do tunning
Para que mulher se você têm um Audi A4 com som de 15 mil reais, néon nos frisos, luz de avião no teto, odômetros no painel do carro, DVD com tela de cristal líquido e um adesivo escrito "turbo intercoolado" no vidro traseiro? Tenha muita, mas muita, pena do seu carro. Peça para a sua namorada limpar os pés antes de entrar e a ameace de morte caso ela tenha a ousadia de mexer no equalizador do som. Pare numa loja de conveniência, abra o porta-malas e ponha o CD do CALIPISOOOOOO ou do Calcinha Preta ao vivo para tocar no volume máximo. E lembre-se: no final das contas o tunning nada mais é do que a versão playboy do famoso siri fosforecente no câmbio do carro.
3 - Fale gírias que ninguém usa mais
Quando aquele seu primo metrossexual botar o disco da Fernanda Porto para rolar, chegue junto e diga que se amarra "numa tequinêra". Em um churrasco, surpreenda todo mundo e pule na piscina gritando bem alto "ahhh, eu tô malucoooo!!". Caso seja adepto dos esportes radicais, faça rapel e desça de cabeça para baixo berrando "issaaaaaá!!!!" igual ao Paulo Cintura na Escolinha do Professor Raimundo. Em dia de jogo da Seleção, assista a partida na casa dos pais da sua namorada. Assim que o Brasil fizer um gol, agarre a sua sogra e pule abraçado com ela puxando um corinho de "uh,terererê! uh, tererê!".
4 - Conte piadas
Quanto mais velhas e sem-graça, melhor, contar piadas sempre rende momentos de pura babaquice. Escolha o seu repertório adedo. Vale piada do português que queria trocar a lâmpada, do gay que era apaixonado pelo vigia do prédio, do papagaio que tentou pegar a galinha do vizinho, do pintinho que fumava maconha e etc. Quando ninguém rir da sua piada, conte o final três vezes, cutucando com o cotovelo quem estiver próximo. Uma dica: sempre comece a sua piada assim "eu não sei contar piada, mas um dia a bichinha...".
5 - Seja engraçadinho
É uma variação um pouco mais informal do piadista. Aqui, o que conta mesmo é o timming e a presença de espírito para dizer aquela frase chocha na hora errada. Num jantar, se alguém derrubar um copo e ele cair no chão e quebrar, fale bem alto: "caiu um lenço, e pelo barulhoé azul". Ao ver um amigo seu com uma camisa bem colorida, pergunte logo se onde ele comprou tinha para homem. Caso esteja em um aniversário de criança e alguém disser que está na hora de apagar a velinha, ponha-se na frente da avó do aniversariante e diga "ninguém toca na Dona Jandira". E por último, sempre diga "presunto" ao invés de "presente" na sala de aula. É tiro e queda.
6 - Vire um Cowboy do Asfalto
Mesmo que a única fazenda que você possua seja um corte de tecido crepe madame, aja como um verdadeiro agroboy latifundiário. Compre uma calça jeans três números menor, uma bota com esporas, um cinto com a fivela maior que a baixela de prata da sua avó e um chapéu de feltro. Fale alto, mexa com todas as meninas que passarem por você, aprenda a cantar com voz fina de ostra no cio e declame bem alto aquela besteirada toda de versos e frases-feitas que a gente ouve nos rodeios. A música, claro, deve ser a pior possível: Filária e Fimose, Mocotó e Rabada e demais duplas sertanejas.
7 - Aprenda a tocar violão
O mala do violão é um caso clássico da babaquice popular brasileira, indispensável em churrascos, acampamentos e praias desertas. É recomendável por parte do candidato algum domínio do instrumento e de técnicas vocais, mas nada que umas revistinhas da banca da esquina não resolvam. É importante conhecer profundamente a obra de artistasclássicos como Djavan, Paulo Diniz, Belchior, Ivan Lins e Raul Seixas. Dos anos 80, recomendamos Legião Urbana e Engenheiros do Hawaii. Da safra atual fique com Jorge Vercilo. O que diferencia um bom chato do violão de um mero cantor de boteco é seu domínio sobre o coro que faz a segunda voz em "Andança" ("me leva amor, amoooor, me leva amor, poronde for quero ser seu paaaaaaar..."). Aprenda isto e siga em frente.
8 - Entenda tudo de moda
O babaca fashion precisa ter na ponta da língua nomes como FauseHaten, Herchcovitch, Ana Cláudia Michels, Hype e Customizado. Também são necessárias informações sobre eixos. Não os do seu carro e sim os do circuito Helena Rubinstein (Londres - Paris - Nova York) e até mesmo Rio-São Paulo. Luzes, glamour, tendências, as cores da próxima estação, in, out and over! O mundinho da moda é cruel com quem não sabe coordenar cores, tecidos e frases feitas. Seja ousado - experimente pôr um piercing na gengiva, tatuar a cara do Patrus Ananias no glúteo esquerdo ou ir a padaria de casaco de peles, tênis All Star e chapéu de vaqueiro - e jamais tenha opiniões próprias. Prefira repetir palavra por palavra o que você leu na Vogue, ID ou qualquer uma dessas revistas importadas que custam quase um salário mínimo.
9 - Seja esotérico
Nada acontece por acaso. O babaca esotérico acredita que tem uma missão no plano terreno e nada o afastará disso. Caso faça opção por esse estilo de vida, ao conhecer uma mulher exija logo o mapa astral da moça e não esqueça de pedir para que um bom astrólogo faça uma análise de simetria cósmica entre vocês, hoje em dia não se pode mais confiar em ninguém e nunca se sabe quem tem aura negativa ou não. Planeje o mais rápido possível sua viagem a Machu Pichu ou seu percurso pelo caminho de Santiago. Caso a grana esteja curta, uma temporada na Chapada da Diamantina já serve. Duendes e gnomos estão fora de moda. Prefira chacras e cromoterapia. Quando chamar os amigos para uma festa na sua casa, jogue fora os discos de pagode, esconda o poster do Salgadinho embaixo da pia, ponha Enya e Kitaro para rolar na vitrola e pendure uma foto do Paulo Coelho na parede.
10 - Entenda de cinema
De uma maneira geral, o babaca cinematográfico acha que é um deus da sétima arte. Ele era aquele cara na poltrona ao lado da sua que citava uma por uma as 115 mil referências que o Tarantino usou em Kill Bill,d os westerns do Sergio Leone à logomarca da Shaw Brothers que aparece no começo do filme, e que chorou copiosamente no final de Dolls, doTakeshi Kitano. Se quiser ser um babaca desse tipo, comece a desprezar Hollywood, só assista ao Oscar para falar mal e diga que não existe nada melhor do que passar o domingo trancado no Espaço Unibanco vendo uma boa mostra de filmes afegãos ou de qualquer outro país que não tenha o mínimo de saneamento básico. E dá-lhe produções da Birmânia, do Sudão, de Burkina Fasso ou da Nova Caledônia. Filmes que só você viu e que ninguém jamais encontrará na locadora da esquina, como Quem Roubou as Sandálias do Porquinho Jeremias? ou Baku - O Pequeno Pastor dos Campos da Cornualha. Caso não tenha saco de ver produções tão chatas, mas ainda assim quiser manter a pose, invente filmes, atores,diretores e até nome de países. Pode mentir à vontade, afinal, assim como você, a maioria das pessoas que diz entender de cinema dificilmente manja alguma coisa do assunto.
27 de junho de 2006
Como ser um babaca em dez lições
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